Each Thursday I bring you kid-tested tips and parenting solutions for a specific parenting challenge “from the mouths of moms.” We’ve already shared lots of tips for dealing with picky eaters, getting kids to sleep better, ensuring stress-free play dates, cooking with kids, potty training success, and promoting sibling bonding. Now here are direct quotes from a diverse group of mom bloggers (with kids of all ages and tons of ideas) on TEACHING CHILDREN ABOUT GOOD TOUCH BAD TOUCH. Yep - meet your new mommy friends!
Alright, Mamas, how do you teach your kids about good touch/bad touch?
1. Give Them Ownership of Their Body
“I began telling my children at about 18 months that they own their bodies (‘your body is all yours’) and that no one has a right to touch them unless it's okay with them. At 2 and 3.25 now, they know that their bodies belong to them and that they can reserve certain parts as ‘private.’ Even it's something like holding hands with someone or having a friend hug or kiss them, they know they have the right to say no if they don't like it.” Chrissy from The Outlaw Mom
2. Use Appropriate Language
“As soon as my kids seemed at all curious about their body parts during bath time, I taught them the correct names for their anatomy. I think it really helps them to have that knowledge in case they ever need to talk to me about anything.” Krissy from B-Inspired Mama
3. Keep Conversation Light and Easy
“One thing I find that helps is keeping these kinds of conversations serious but still unemotional (almost lighthearted) so that kids feel very comfortable talking about it and asking questions. And I try to let these conversations happen naturally and work them into our everyday life. Like talking about it during potty or bath time.” Krissy from B-Inspired Mama
4. Use the Swim Suit Rule
“In the guidance lessons in Kindergarten classes children were told that if your swimsuit covers it, it's a private area and no one should be seeing or touching that area. Tell a grown up if someone is touching you in the wrong places because it's a Mommy and Daddy's job to keep you safe. It's a simplified version but easy for younger children to understand.” Kim from The Educators’ Spin On It
Edited to add: Reader and child welfare worker, Liz, mentioned in the comments to think beyond the swimsuit rule. "most predators who have an on-going relationship with the child (teacher, coach, relative, clergy...) will not begin by touching the child in the sensitive areas, but will begin by rubbing their back or stroking the hair--and children, because they are literal creatures, will think 'well, I don't like it, but it must be okay because it's not covered by my swimming suit.' And then by the time the predator moves to the sexual areas, it may be too late as the grooming process is fully underway. So, we recommend the line be ANY touch/space intrusion that makes the child uncomfortable" (see tip #9). And another reader pointed out that we cannot forget that the mouth should be considered a private area, too. I'm so glad that we have this series to learn from one another as moms!
5. Explain What Safe Touch Is
“In our discussions I have talked about how, on rare occasions, parents and doctors might have to do something they won't like to keep them safe and give them concrete examples - like getting a shot at the doctor's office, or being pulled out of the street. I did switch pediatricians at one point, because I felt like the one we were seeing was not taking the time to talk with my child. The one we go to now is excellent at explaining why something has to happen, even though that sometimes makes the visit take much longer.” MaryAnne from Mama Smiles
6. Empower Them to Say NO
“I also always stressed that if someone touched them in a way they didn't like to tell that person to stop ... and to ALWAYS tell me about it. Keeping the lines of communication open, even with AND especially with, our private areas is of UTMOST importance!” Laura from playdrmom
7. Use Books to Teach
“I found a great time to talk with my kids about it the other day when we were reading a book about the human body that showed the skeleton, organs, and body parts.” Krissy from B-Inspired Mama
8. Don’t Force Affection
“I don't force my daughter to hug someone if she doesn't want to. I know that a hug from a loving adult isn't a bad touch, but I feel like this empowers my daughter to feel like she has control over her physical body.” Rebekah from The Golden Gleam
9. Help Them Trust Their Feelings
“A therapist told me that kids should be taught that a touch (from anyone) that makes them feel bad or uncomfortable is a bad touch. Kids should be taught to trust their own feelings.” Krissy from B-Inspired Mama
10. Practice or Role Play
“My kids and I practice what they should say (‘No, I don’t like that. STOP!’) and do (tell me or a trusted adult) if they are ever asked to show or are touched in their private areas.” Krissy from B-Inspired Mama
When I asked this question of my many "From the Mouths of Moms" mama friends, you could almost hear crickets chirping. Maybe a testament to how uncomfortable and difficult yet important a subject it is? So I had to include a few extra of my own ideas. Hope it helps!
Have you broached this difficult subject with your kids yet? How did you or do you plan on doing it?
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Excellent post, Krissy. This is a tough topic, but so important. Love this series!
ReplyDeleteAs difficult as it is to discuss this with kids, I think most people are good about explaining that people shouldn't touch their private parts. However, I learned from Gavin DeBecker (who appeared on Oprah) that you should also discuss that your child shouldn't touch others. Predators will say things like, "Don't worry. I won't touch you. You touch my..." DeBecker wrote a book "The Gift of Fear" about trusting your own instincts and "Protecting the Gift" about keeping children safe from predators.
ReplyDeleteOh, yes, that's such a good point. I would have never thought of that. Thank you so much for sharing. I will surely be adding this point to my discussions with my kids.
DeleteAs a 40+ mom myself, I had to chime in! No crickets on my watch:). Parents of boys need to realize this teaching is just as important for their boys! Many just brush it away, thinking they'll talk about it "later". I found it best to address questions about bodies early and often. It IS
ReplyDeleteEssential that parents and children feel comfortable with correct body part names early on, so that those teen talking points are just a continuation of the ongoing conversation & not a"special talk". I'm a mom of a 13 year old & I can tell you, that approach has paid off many times already! I'm also an early childhood educator, and I'm still shocked at how many young parents are still not
Teaching proper body parts by the age of six or having those frank but relaxed , open talks. Thanks for the reminder!
Oh, I'm so glad you did share your perspective. Sometimes it's hard for us with young kids to look beyond today at what is ahead (teenage years - AH!). (Oh, and I'm sorry I state it wrong, I meant that I have over 40 mamas that I ask these questions of, not 40+ years old. I adjusted the wording so it's not so confusing. Thanks!)
DeleteIt's such a sensitive topic but something we need to discuss with our children. Especially now during the summertime as we send them off to new places such as Summer Camp, Swimming lessons, Vacation Bible School, Playdates with unfamiliar people. I'm so glad a few others joined in to share their ideas on how to teach our children to be safe.
ReplyDeleteThat's a really good point, Kim, about the Summer being so busy and an important time for kids' to understand this concept. Thanks for contributing!
DeleteThank you for posting about such an important topic...I might add one thought...I work in Child Welfare and we generally teach that the "swimsuit rule" is potentially dangerous as most predators who have an on-going relationship with the child (teacher, coach, relative, clergy...) will not begin by touching the child in the sensitive areas, but will begin by rubbing their back or stroking the hair--and children, because they are literal creatures, will think "well, I don't like it, but it must be okay because it's not covered by my swimming suit." And then by the time the predator moves to the sexual areas, it may be too late as the grooming process is fully underway. So, we recommend the line be ANY touch/space intrusion that makes the child uncomfortable (as stated in the 9th tip). It may also easier for a child to disclose touch that is not in sensitive areas that will allow us to catch potential problems earlier.
ReplyDeleteThank you again!
Oh, Liz, thank you so much for sharing that! I wouldn't have even thought about that, but you are so right. I am going to edit the document to ad that tip in. I love that we are able to have this conversation and learn from one another!
DeleteThe "swimsuit rule" frustrates me a bit because children also need to know that their mouth is a "private part" also. And as Liz said above in the comment that grooming often starts with back rubs or other kind of touching.
ReplyDeletejust my 2 cents
I hadn't thought of that, either, but sadly you are very right. I will be adding that to my discussions with my kids (and editing the post to add it, too!)
DeleteI am so grateful for this! I really have learned a lot from the comments, too. I am so worried about my kids and what they may experience in the future, so I want to teach them the best way I can. Thanks everyone!
ReplyDeleteI am SO GLAD that it can be of help to you. This is exactly what I wanted this From the Mouths of Moms series to be - a forum where moms can learn from one another without judgement. Thanks for visiting, Tee; you made my day!
DeleteThank you for this discussion and opening the topic! I work as a therapist with both victims of sexual abuse and child sex offenders and agree with so much of what has already been said!
ReplyDeleteIn addition to role playing how to say "No" (#10) we should also role play how our kids are going to tell us if something does happen. I know of a situation where the child tried to alert his parent, but didn't have the words in his vocabulary to express what he was really meaning and so the parent didn't dig deeper until more trauma had already happened.
We also need to have discussions about pornography with our kids! It is too easy to make the jump from what they see to what they act out. Pornography creates physiological responses our children are not developmentally ready to deal with and understand. Pornography is SO easily accessible these days. We need to be teaching our children to talk to us about what they may see and what to do if they are shown pornography.
And, last, you should do a "10 Tips: What to do if Your Child is Sexually Abused" -sorry for so much input, I'm just so excited to see this topic being discussed!
The swimsuit rule seems really easy to teach and follow. Thanks for including what worked for our family :-)
ReplyDeleteWanted to add that I definitely see - as other commenters pointed out - that the swimsuit rule is not the only way or the best way to deal with the subject, but had never heard of it and wanted to comment that it was one interesting way to bring up the subject.
DeleteThanks for this topic. From a mom that's been there : if your child comes to you and tells you that something like this has happened to them, breathe, stay calm and let them see by your reaction that it is a good thing that they told you. Then find them the help they need. If you respond by crying or anger at the perpetrator they will perceive your reaction as a negative towards them and be less open about further discussion. I am glad my child felt comfortable coming to me. It is scary. But there is help.
ReplyDeleteThanks for this post and guidelines.
ReplyDeleteI've also told my son that he never has to be scared to tell me when it is happening from a "trusted" adult ie, grandparent, cousin, sibling. I've also added that he should never be scared the person will kill me or his dad because the bad person is just saying that because he/she is a coward!
ReplyDeleteHi, I'm glad to see this. I have grandsons that I worry about now. I used to worry myself sick over my own children. I was molested physically and mentally for 13 years beginning at the age of 3, so this has always been a fear for me. I think my comment would fall into the pornography category but will mention it anyway. I think it is important that children know what is visuaally inappropriate. I am unsure how to approach that without actually showing them, but one of the things I encountered was the predator in my case masturbating in front of me on purpose in situations where I couldn't get away... in a car alone while driving for instance. It's just so awful that we have to worry about children this way. They are so innocent and this shouldn't be an option for anyone to do to a child, but sadly, it is a reality.
ReplyDeleteAs a survivor of childhood sex abuse who now has a 7yr old daughter of my own (and another on the way), I am very happy to see that this is being talked about. I started talking to my child right away, using the correct terms for her body parts, giving her ownership of her body (no hugs or kisses if she didn't want), and just simply talking with her about EVERYTHING. As she has gotten older, I have also shared with her that when I was her age, a grown-up man touched me in my private areas and hurt me very badly. I obviously never went into any detail, but I shared because as I child I received the generic information from my mother as well, and was still too afraid to tell her. Telling my daughter has opened up lines of communication that weren't there before. She understands that I went through it, that I never ever want her to go through it, and that I WILL stand up for her no matter if it's a family member that touches her or not.
ReplyDeleteI am having a hard time explaining to my young child they have ownership over their body and not let people touch them inappropriately and then struggle to change his diaper when there is poop everywhere.
ReplyDeleteDoes anyone have any tips on that? He will always fight a diaper change tooth and nail and it makes me feel like a hypocrite.
First of all, thank you for publishing this article. I hope that every parent and caregiver reads this. I see too many parents, even within my extended family, doing things that go against these philosophies (like forcing a child to kiss their grandparent). My daughter is only 17 months but she knows that her body is hers. If I ask for a kiss and she doesn't want to give one, I tell her that that's totally ok.
ReplyDeleteSomething to add is that, IMO, a child should feel comfortable with their bodies. My daughter is to the stage of touching her privates when on the potty or being changed. I never admonish her for it but if there's poop I just let her know that she needs to wait until Mama gets the yucky poop cleaned up. I feel like too many people make a child feel bad about their privates by telling them that their privates are yucky or bad for them to touch.
This was very interesting and helpful. I have a 2 year old and hadn't even thought about starting to raise these issues, but now I see how important it is and have some good starting ideas. I agree with "anonymous" re: the diaper issue though, as I have to force my baby to let me change hers sometimes and don't know how to reconcile that with the ownership of one's body issue. :)
ReplyDeleteWe teach our children the song "Head, Shoulders, Knees, and Toes" and then let them know that we don't look at or touch any one between the shoulders and the knees or allow anyone to look at or touch our bodies in those areas either. We also teach them that looking at those places in any form opf media is also nt ot happen! It gives young ones a concrete area and a little music always helps them to remember what they learned.
ReplyDelete